Instant History

It was inevitable...

2010-06-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

I can't write about the oil spill. It's too sad. But this pretty much sums it up:

"So I’m finding it hard to talk about the BP oil spill. It is horrible in the most literal sense — it instills within me a sense of true, deep, abject horror. It is creeping and (for the moment, at least) unstoppable. It is killing everything it touches, and it is huge, and it is trying to touch everything.

Jesus Christ. We broke the ocean."

Case No. SPR-81815

2010-04-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

This is the case number of my latest/most justified source of outrage. I'm also a tiny bit in hate with Charles Barkley right now, but we must pick our battles, and I don't think I could take Chuck. Actually, this makes me so angry that I don't even think I can make jokes. So I will have to explain what is going on here with bullet points and question words.

Who: Clay Greene vs. Sonoma County et al.
What: Embroiled in despicable legal battle of an inconceivable nature, which you will shortly discover
Where: Sonoma County, California.
When: April, 2008 - today
Why: Because there is evil in the world. Even in stupid sunny California.

Now, I did not actually set out to be a champion of LGBT rights, but come on people. This is getting seriously out of hand. Ok, I am going to try to power through this without hyperventilating, and/or too many unnecessary all-caps pontifications.

Clay and Harold live together as partners for 20+ years
Clay and Harold know they're getting on in years, and name each other as beneficiaries in their respective estates and assign each other as an agent in medical decisions
April, 2008: Harold, 88 (not in great health to begin with), slips and falls on front steps
Clay calls an ambulance and Harold is taken to hospital
THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS

Breathe...

The men's agreement is COMPLETELY IGNORED by the County
County refers to Clay as a "roommate" and treats Howard in the hospital as though he has no family, revoking his powers of attorney
County liquidates an investment account to pay for medical expenses
County INVADES THEIR HOME, TERMINATES THEIR LEASE, AND SELLS 20 YEARS OF ACCUMULATED BELONGINGS
County REMOVES CLAY FROM HIS HOME AND PLACES HIM IN A NURSING HOME AGAINST HIS WILL
3 months after initial hospitalization, Harold passes away HAVING NOT SEEN CLAY EVER AGAIN
Clay now has nothing left of his life with Harold, and has been unable to recover any of their possessions, including pets who are most likely dead too

THIS IS SO NOT OK.

Clay is suing the following people/entities: A few specific members of the Sonoma County Government, including the Director of the Human Services Department, the Public Guardian/Conservator, and several Deputy Public Guardians; North Bay Auctions, LLC - the auction company that STOLE 20 years worth of belongings, some of which were actually quite valuable; and Agua Caliente Villa, the nursing home gulag where Clay was held AGAINST HIS WILL.

I went ahead and did some detective work, and you can read all about this so-called "assisted-living community." Purportedly, Agua Caliente Villa meets "the needs and desires of our residents by dispensing in balanced measure activities, freedom, solitude, companionship, choices... and love. Our singular goal is to provide a home environment for people who need more care than they or their families can give them." You can go here and check out their information page for "residents" prisoners.

Directly beneath the words "Residents Rights" is the following paragraph (all typos are certainly not mine): "Agua Caliente Villa provides care to all with the utmost concern for the dignity and personal independence for every resident. Realizing each resident is unique, it is out goal to provide supportive care which enables everyone living in the facility to enjoy life to the greatest extent possible. Should there ever be an incidence of verbal or physical abuse of any kind, you are encouraged to report it immediately to a staff member or the administrator. Every staff member pledges to uphold resident rights which include at a minimum the rights listed here. "

If you click on the link (which I conveniently transported to my blog from their unedited website), you are lead to a list where Number 6 refers to the RIGHT TO LEAVE THE FACILITY AT ANY TIME.

There is CLEARLY A LOT MORE THAT I COULD SAY HERE but like I said, the anger is getting a little too palpable. I have no words for this. It's abominable, despicable, appalling, shocking, vile, horrifying, contemptible, straight-up criminal and completely unimaginable. Ok so I have some words.

Since there isn't really anything anyone can do to make life any better for Clay at this point, the NCLR has launched a visibility campaign to get the word out. So get the word out. Tell people how this is the opposite of human. And that it is SO SO SO WRONG. I'm babbling now due to rage-induced delirium. If I ever find myself in this particular part of the world, I will be throwing lots of rocks. Especially if I've just gone wine tasting. There better be enough friggin' rocks.

**If you need to vent somewhere slightly more visible, go here**

4/20/10 UPDATE

The Sonoma County newspaper finally ran a story about this today. The headline reads "Lawsuit ignites firestorm in gay community against Sonoma County." Even this title makes me mad - I wish we could create an actual firestorm. Flames! Grrr! I'm thinking this particular firestorm would involve much more than just the "gay community."

Anyway, the county is saying that the two men were kept apart due to a domestic violence incident, not intolerant, inhuman maliciousness. Now, is it just me, or do people not call the police when an incident like that happens? If Clay assaulted Harold so badly that he was never able to be released from the hospital and passed away after 3 months, why did no one call the police? Because it's bullshit, that's why. The 3 page article has these 3 sentences to say about the so-called firestorm (once again, the typos are not mine - does no one proofread anymore?):

"Outrage spilled onto a Facebook page advocating justice for the couple. Organizers urged people to write legislators and news sources. Other vented about the handling by Sonoma County officials or called for a boycott of all local businesses."

The rest of the article is basically about the county's defense strategy, which apparently is to lie.

Usain Bolt of Lightning Fast Twitch Muscle Fiber One Love

2010-04-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

Whew. You follow that, Wheel of Fortune? Best Before & After ever! And it totally works as long as superhuman Jamaican sprinters actually like to fuel up on high-fiber cereals. Even better, in the amount of time it took you to read and comprehend the title of this post, Usain Bolt could have run 17 miles.

The historic event about which I am word-playing is, of course, Insane Bolt's* ridiculous world record shattering 100 meter dash(es). Dude's fast. At the 2008 Beijing Olympics, he won the gold in the 100m, 200m, and 4x100m relay. Those are all the fastest races - when you add them all up they take just over a minute. Depending on how much PBR you drank, that's less time than it takes to pee!

Gee, I wonder who will win.

So Usain Bolt set a world/Olympic record in 2008 of 9.69 seconds. Luckily, he had enough time and energy to spare for a 20-meter-long celebration. He stopped racing and did this weird NFL-style victory dance. Some people were irked, but probably because they had just been thunderstruck by the realization that they would never be world record holders. Because no one is beating this guy. He now holds the current world record (set in Berlin in 2009) of 9.58 seconds.

Take a second and think about that. One mississippi...

If you had taken 8 more seconds, he would have finished the whole damn race, danced a jig and cracked a Red Stripe already. Jeez. Side note: he also holds the world record for the 200m dash - 19.19 seconds.

As a former sprinter, this completely blows my mind. I happened to run the exact same races as this guy (he's younger than me so I automatically have a small amount of bitterness). My best 100m time was probably 13.something, and 200m was probably 26 or 27.something. And I was fast for a 16-year-old girl! Perhaps I was jinxing myself by not wearing multiple pieces of heavy jewelry, as seems to be all the rage among the elite sprinting community. I bet the rhythmic clanking of a big gold chain against my sternum would have helped propel me across the finish line faster. Pshh.

Anyway, Usain Bolt of Lightning has totally upset the curve of world records. Here is an interesting article about his life as a mutant. If Michael Phelps is a shark, this guy's a cheetah.

That outlier on the bottom right is Usain Bolt breaking his own record (the closest competitor is himself). People have done all sorts of extrapolations and decided that the 100m dash could be run as quickly as 9.48 seconds. Superfast. If anyone can do it, this dude can. As long as he keeps up with his Fiber One.

*I am sure other people have nicknamed him this, but I thought of it all on my own, so I will continue to revel in its appropriateness. Yes, appropriateness is a word.

Above the Clouds

2010-04-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

Today's post involves an internet scavenger hunt. But it will be easy because I will tell you where to go.

Ok, so this isn't historical in the larger sense (or at all), but I do what I want. So my good friend Lisa works with her Dad at Above the Clouds. Above the Clouds is an adventure travel company, putting together unique itineraries for trips to Nepal, Bhutan, India, and Patagonia. I had the good fortune of trekking in Nepal with them last summer, and had an amazing trip. ATC just launched a blog to share stories about travel, adventures, and life from staff, friends, clients, and ME! Check it out! But read the other posts too. And if any of you are planning a trip to any of these awesome places in the future, you know who to go to for help.

No Prom!

2010-04-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

This just in:
The country club prom was a FAKE!

Instead of canceling Furniture Prom last week (only to later announce a new prom at an even weirder location - Country Club Prom), these underhanded bigot parents/school-officials-who-lied-under-oath did the unspeakable: they SECRETLY RELOCATED PROM!! Only seven students, plus Constance and her girlfriend showed up at the country club, where, presumably, Nelson from The Simpsons laughed at them.

We knew this was bad, but wow. This is so bad that no one even thought of it as a possibility. I would link to the actual news article, but it doesn't seem to load. Curious.

I have no words. This is the most despicable thing they could have possibly done. ACLU, please destroy these people with your lawyering.

Prom. No Prom. Prom. No Prom. Prom!

2010-03-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know about the whole Constance McMillen thing. In case you have been living under a rock, allow me to summarize: Itawamba Agricultural High School (Fulton, Mississippi) had a regularly scheduled prom. Then, Constance McMillen asked to bring her girlfriend as her date, and to wear a tuxedo (Gasp!). Surprise! - they said no. When the ACLU informed the school district that this was all sorts of not cool, they canceled the Entire Prom. Even though they'd probably already paid the DJ. Then the prom was back on, but it was a privately organized parent-supported prom at a furniture store (what?), but Tuxedo Constance and her girlfriend were not invited. Then Constance (presumably the bravest 17-year-old girl Ever) sued to try to force the school board to un-cancel the original prom, and then the parents got scared that they'd get sued as well, so they canceled the Furniture Prom, too! So it was on, then off, then on, then off, and, you guessed it, on again! The parent-sponsored prom is now back in business, except this time at the local Country Club. Because Country Clubs are famous for their open-mindedness...

And get this, the school board testified - under oath! - that the "media attention generated [by Constance contacting the ACLU] distracted the school from its educational mission, and that the board canceled prom in an attempt to restore order." Imagine how much less distracted and disordered they'd be if they had just let the poor girl enjoy her prom in the first place.

Now, this is Mississippi we're talking about. We don't honestly expect all of our civil liberties to be upheld in Mississippi. "First Amendment? What's that? Is that the one with the guns?" But come on. It's also the twenty-first century. You can't openly discriminate (against someone who is clearly a very smart girl) and not expect to get called out for it. Well, I guess you can try. But then you get all flustered and have to cancel and un-cancel the stupid prom a million times. During all of these proceedings, it came out (hah!) that Constance wasn't the only student at IAHS to contact the ACLU this year. A transgender student who attended the school for one (1) day (!) was sent home on his second day. When he returned after his suspension, they suspended him again. When the ACLU asked the school district to provide reasoning for his suspension (which was conveniently left blank on his suspension forms), they refused to talk about it. Luckily, this student has since found a safer, more accepting place to be, but holy crap Mississippi. Not building a good reputation here with the American Civil Liberties Union. Or our first gay president.

Anyway...on to the historical part of this ridiculous ordeal...

Meanwhile in the Blue States, there has been an overwhelming outpouring of support for Constance from all around the rest of the country. Facebook's Let Constance Take Her Girlfriend to Prom currently has 423,000+ supporters. This is more than 100 times the population of Fulton, Mississippi. In the regular, slightly less bigoted world, people have crawled out of the woodwork to make sure this school district gets what it deserves. Dan Savage took it upon himself to sic his loyal, kinky readership on the Itawamba School District: "Now it's our job to make discriminating against (and retaliating against) vulnerable gay students a much bigger distraction for the Itawamba County School District understand than allowing Constance McMillen to attend prom ever would've been." Well put, Dan, well put. Thousands of people have written angry, distracting letters to the superintendent and school board (you can, too!). On March 19, Constance went on The Ellen Degeneres Show and was awarded a $30,000 scholarship (presumably for college learnin'). And best of all, a high school in Marin County, California has openly extended her and her girlfriend an invitation to their enlightened liberal prom. She hasn't RSVP'd yet, but they're hopeful. It's nice to see so many people outraged at such a ridiculously intolerant event. Bigoted school boards in Mississippi remind us that we still have a long way to go, but we've certainly come a long way, too.

Here's Constance's Thank-You message to everyone who has supported her (try to ignore the southern accent). I sure hope her prom date is worth all this trouble. Oh, and suck it, Mississippi.

Take THAT, Orthopoxvirus variola vera!

2010-03-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

As a general rule, we humans think we're pretty special. Our collective species-ego is probably the biggest in the universe (except for maybe these guys, because look how badass! If only they breathed fire and flew around hunting women and children - then we could slay them!). Anyway, it is true that we have accomplished some pretty impressive stuff. If we hadn't, then I would have nothing to write about (the real travesty). One of these impressive things is the eradication of smallpox, which actually happened in the haze that was the 1970s (even more impressive). Just to give you an idea of how incredible this was: smallpox is thought to have killed somewhere around 300-500 million people in the twentieth century alone. This is roughly equal to the total number of people currently on Facebook. The World Health Organization reported two million deaths (out of 15 million cases) as recently as 1967. After some serious vaccinating, the eradication of the disease was certified in December of 1979. To this day, smallpox is the only human infectious disease to be successfully eradicated. Holy Awesome Batman!

Here's a quick and dirty background on the smallpox virus. It is believed to have emerged in the human population around 10,000 B.C., but who knows, really - we weren't keeping great records what with the Ice Age and everything. It became known as "smallpox" in 15th century Europe to distinguish it from the "great pox" - syphilis. Silly, slutty Europeans. Transmission occurs through inhalation of the airborne virus, usually after close contact with an infected individual. The virus invades the respiratory mucosa or mouth and throat, spreads to lymph nodes, and eventually ends up in the bloodstream, spleen, bone marrow, bla bla bla, you get pox. Along with the characteristic skin lesions, smallpox causes fever, muscle pain, fatigue, headache, and digestive issues. Depending on the virus type (there are a few), fatality rate ranges from less than 10% to nearly 100%. So it's really kind of a toss-up.

Way back in 1796, we understood about vaccinations (we really are quite impressive). Edward Jenner discovered that inoculation with material from a cowpox lesion resulted in immunity to smallpox. Besides being ridiculously disgusting, this is where we get the word "vaccine." Vacca is Latin for cow. Today, the smallpox vaccine is less gross, but it does cause a pus-filled blister, and leaves a small scar.

Edward Jenner, cowpox pus extraordinaire

The eradication of smallpox required lots of intense monitoring, surveillance, and containment. Whenever an outbreak occurred, infected individuals were isolated, and everyone living close by was vaccinated. This prevented the disease from spreading, and the effort was helped immensely by the fact that smallpox has no animal host, and no carriers. By 1980, smallpox existed only in two laboratories: the CDC in Atlanta and the VECTOR Institute in Russia (it actually has a conservation status of "Extinct in the Wild"). Now we only have to worry about smallpox as biological warfare...

Now, I may be a bleedin' heart liberal, but who the hell are we to decide which viruses can continue plaguing us mercilessly and which cannot? I mean, it's cool and everything that smallpox isn't out killing millions of people a year, but if we learned anything from Jurassic Park, it's that "life...finds a way..."

Thanks, chaos theorist Jeff Goldblum

This one might come back and bite us. Maybe not as an angry T-Rex, but still. Regardless, the score is currently People, 1, Orthopoxvirus variola vera, 1,000,000,000. It remains to be seen who will come out on top.

2009: Not a good year for famous people

2010-03-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

So this is completely irrelevant in the larger scheme of things, but when you stop and think about it, the number of dead celebrities that piled up last year was pretty remarkable.

A quick rundown of the major ones:

Natasha Richardson - Reminiscent of the ski accidents that killed Sonny Bono and one of the Kennedys, but sadder. Poor Liam Neeson.

Bea Arthur - less surprising, since she was in her 80s, but still sad. Golden Girls = Olden Girls.

David Carradine - Oops. Turns out, not so kung fu.

Ed McMahon - I think this is the Publisher's Clearinghouse guy?

Farrah Fawcett - I felt bad for her. Sharing your death day with Michael Jackson is totally unfair. I suppose she was best known for Charlie's Angels, but I remember her best from a certain Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie called Man of the House, where she played a free-spirited (aka big-haired) single mom. Classic cinema.

Michael Jackson - are we done talking about this yet? I am.

Walter Cronkite - apparently, "the most trusted man in America." In 1972. Of course, now that title belongs to Dick Cheney.

Les Paul - legendary.

DJ AM - I don't know who this is. Fortunately, wikipedia does.

Patrick Swayze - We all knew he was sick, but a world without Johnny Castle is not a world I want to live in. Who will keep Baby out of the corner now? We can, however, do without that pederast creeper guy from Donnie Darko.

Brittany Murphy - I had actually forgotten about this one already. Oh well.

There are also a whole bunch of people I've never heard of. I am ok with this.

Finally, this one is from 2008 (actually January 2008), but we are still talking about it. And we are probably always going to be talking about it, because somehow, Heath Ledger is STILL MAKING MOVIES!?! Baffling.

2010 does not appear to be relenting for doomed celebs. We've already lost Howard Zinn, J.D. Salinger, one of the Coreys, Fred Morrison (creator of this fantastic piece of plastic), the guy who invented SpaghettiOs, the Georgian luger with an unpronounceable name, Peter Graves, Rufus Wainwright's mom, Alex Chilton, Davy Crockett, and Marie Osmond's adopted son (actual celebrity status debatable).

And it's only March!

Bear is not the preferred nomenclature, dude. Koalas, please.

2010-03-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

Did I ever mention how much I enjoy charismatic megafauna? (I did.) Here in the United States, we have always been fascinated with the creatures from Australia. Especially the rare non-deadly ones. The koala (not to be confused with the koala bear, which does not exist) is the epitome of Down-Under-Cuddliness: it's got fuzzy ears, it snoozes all day in a tree, it looks like it's drunk even though it is not, and it carries its tiny furry babies around in a freakin' pouch. Nothing could be cuter, right? WRONG! Check this out.

Disgustingly adorable, right? So, here's what happened. Due to the aforementioned climate change issue, Australia has had some problems with drought. And by problems, I mean Big Problems. Already a dry country, the past seven years or so have been Australia's dryest in over a century. The majority of the country's "agriculture" comes from the Murray-Darling River basin, which covers over 400,000 square miles. Think bigger than Texas but smaller than Alaska. Eighty (80) percent of the eucalyptus trees in this area, which is basically the entire southeastern quadrant of Australia, are either dead or dying. And what do koalas eat? That's right, eucalyptus. In fact, this is all they eat. Eucalyptus is comprised mostly of indigestible material (obviously), so the koalas have to a) eat a lot of it, and b) try not to move too much, lest they waste precious ATP. I don't know about you, but that seems like less than a winning combination when your food source is rapidly disappearing. Koalas are listed as a priority species for conservation, meaning they're not quite in trouble yet, but it's only a matter of time. Actually, depending on where you look, they range from "abundant" to "locally extinct." So we'll just average it out and say perhaps they're in a little bit of trouble...and just to make things more interesting, there is a koala chlamydia epidemic! Shit!

I'm getting off topic. Anyway, koalas get 90% of their water from eucalyptus leaves. It is rumored that the word "koala" comes from an Aborigine word meaning "no water," but this is unconfirmed. As we all should know by now, water is a crucial ingredient to survival. Unfortunately, for the koala, when there's not enough food, there's not enough water. This has forced a solitary animal to stumble down from the trees and ask people (actually, their primary predator) for a drink of water. Sad. But totally cute. Here are some more pictures:

Awww

Awwwww (does chlorine get them drunk??)

Holy crap. This is so cute it hurts.

As you can see, they are just hemorrhaging cuteness. Which is why this is sad. People who actually live in Australia rarely see koalas outside of zoos. They are the shy, loner type, and are smart to stay away from us. I actually feel bad for them that they had to swallow their koala pride and stoop to interacting with humans. Just to swallow some koala water.

On a personal note, I was lucky enough to see a koala in the wild. It was far away, up in a tree, and not moving, so it was not actually as exciting as it sounds. But in theory, it was grand. I also got to hold a koala in a koala sanctuary. What I remember most about this experience was that I expected this particular koala to weigh approximately as much as a stuffed animal in the shape of a koala. It did not.

Me 'n' Sprite

So that was a Real Life example of how our changing climate affects the Real World. We're not just making it up. If you really want to help the koalas, you can. But if an animal as charismatic- and mega-a-fauna as the koala is in trouble, I can't help but wonder, what on earth will happen to the ugly ones?

Climate change: not just for crunchy liberals and nerds anymore

2009-08-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

While the sane/intelligent/non-comatose population has been well aware of the climate change thing for years, the rest of us are finally starting to come around. It's hard (but apparently not impossible) to ignore the physical evidence that the global climate is changing. Yeah, yeah, it does that on its own....well, not like this. Sorry to have to tell you this Bush Administration, Michael Crichton, Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, Glenn Beck, the rest of the yahoos at Fox News, and 41% OF AMERICANS (!!!!)....but you are all craaazies.

I could rant/yell/spout statistics for days and days about how ridiculous it is that we are even arguing about this, instead of doing something about it. But I won't. I will simply point out a couple of FACTS that the crazies are going to be hardpressed to ignore/refute/conspire against.

So, basically, scientists went to Antarctica and analyzed air pockets in ice cores dating back to 800,000 years ago. They found (spoiler alert) that carbon dioxide was at significantly lower levels back then. That's statistically significant. Which is like, science. In fact, they found that the CO2 levels are higher right this very second than they ever were during any of those previous 800,000 years. "Hmm," you might think, "I wonder what was happening in that general time period." Only the emergence/expansion/explosion of a dominant group of organisms in the genus Homo. Oh wait, wait, that was us.

For a cogent/fascinating/eloquent explanation of the issues we face due to rising carbon dioxide levels, I recommend The Next One Hundred Years, by Jonathan Weiner. This guy won a Pulitzer (for a different book, but still), and does an excellent job of explaining the problem with having too much carbon floating around. In a nutshell: for a long time, the CO2 level held steady around 315 parts per million. During the mid twentieth century, it started creeping up. And by creeping, I mean skyrocketing. See:

It is currently at 389 ppm, a 25-ish percent increase. In 50 years. Holy. Crap. High levels of CO2 lead to ocean acidification, inhibition of plant growth, extreme weather events, sea level rise, species extinctions, and of course, global temperature increase. D'oh! Did I mention that this book was written in the scientific yesteryear of 1991? We've known about this for decades, and we are still arguing about whether or not it's real. Come on, crazies, we've got enough to worry about.

If you're not much of a reader, and all this carbon talk is like Greek (or Latin I guess, which is what it is), there are pictures, too! Believe it or not, there are satellite photos of this stuff. They were actually classified by the Bush Administration, and then Obama came in and was like "What? That's dumb." And he declassified them. So here, for your viewing pleasure, are satellite images taken one (1) year apart (!) of ice melt in Alaska.

See that big, ominous dark spot on the right-hand picture? Just one (1) year before that, it was full of happy/sparkly/crystally ice, as you can see in the left-hand picture. And now it's gone. Ignore that, bitches! Science 1, Crazies 0, Earth, totally screwed.

Charismatic Megafauna, Now With More Charisma

2009-08-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is a tiny bit pre-emptive, seeing as the superawesome groundbreaking thing I am about to share is still in the research and development stage...but - there are some really cool pictures to look at, and it kind of goes along with a good cause, so I'ma talk about it anyway. Here goes:

We might be able to learn whale language!!

No, seriously.

So this guy, Mark Fischer is a whale researcher and computer nerd, I mean programmer. He graphs cetacean calls using an algorithm he made, and ends up with pictures called wavelets. It's ok to giggle at the word "wavelet." I did. Not only are these wavelets really cool to look at (each species looks completely different), but he is looking for underlying patterns that might lead us closer to understanding the intricacies of whale (and dolphin, too!) communication. The word "language" might be a bit of a stretch, but in conjunction with the research being done on whale migration, feeding, reproduction, etc., there is totally some potential here. We could learn what they are saying when they are looking for whale food, whale homes, whale love, and whatever else it is that whales do all day.

One big problem though: we can't hear everything the whales are saying. They don't exactly operate within the spectrum of our hearing range. What? The whales aren't there just to entertain us with their gloriously soothing songs?! Anyway, the recordings that are made tend to miss some of the frequencies, and therefore make it much more difficult to look at the whole picture. Even though it is a pretty picture regardless.
All in all, it's a fascinating idea. We'd finally find out if Moby Dick actually was evil, if chomping Jonah was really worth all the trouble, and if Willy actually wanted to be free. Either way, we get to look at these:

Humpback Whale

Minke Whale

And my very favorite, the beluga. Don't you just want to have that? A baby beluga swimming so wild and so free?

Which brings me to my next point. These wavelets (and more) are available as artwork, and you can put them in your house! Through an organization called Interspecies, you can donate money toward "healing our own species' emotional, spiritual and cultural ties with nature." It's something about using art to bring humans and other species closer together, bla bla bla. Whatever...they send you a cool picture in the mail. (Sidebar: Another artist, Jim Nollman, also has work available on Interspecies for a pretty donated penny - totally worth it though, he's pretty awesome). It is entirely possible, however, that all of this is totally useless - maybe Dory had it right all along, and wwwhhaaaaaallllessssss jjjjussssssst ttaaaaaalllllkk llliiiiiikkkeeee ttthiiissssssss......

As a complete non sequitur, I think the phrase "charismatic megafauna" might just be my all time favorite in the English language. That is all. Check out interspecies.com and aguasonic.com.

He-Who-Must-Be-Read

2009-03-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

In our land of video games, ubiquitous wi-fi, reality tv (see below), and a general saturation of visual stimuli, kids these days have kind of forgotten how to read. Maybe not quite how to read, but why to read (unless good old W is your teacher, a la this gem). There's no time for old-fashioned books if you're busy shooting aliens, being a guitar hero, and trying to keep up with the latest episode of American Idol. Then, along came a run-of-the-mill impoverished single mother. She wrote down her ideas for a story on some cocktail napkins, and fifteen years later, she's worth nearly 800 million dollars. Bloody hell!

I am talking, of course, about J.K. Rowling and the Harry Potter universe. It's a little bit difficult to be snarky about Harry Potter, because, well, I love it. It's simple, it's fun, and wizards are really cool! I'm not saying it's brilliant literature or anything (quite the opposite actually - J.K. only knows a handful of adjectives, but luckily the plot can usually make up for the lack of literary genius), but who says you can't be an intelligent human and appreciate a well-crafted fantasy world?

With the exception of the fifth book (hundreds of pages of excruciating teen angst followed by thirty pages of action), all of the volumes make for a quick and enjoyable read. One of the things that makes the Harry Potter books so different from other kids' series is that they were written for a maturing audience. The first book was full of flowers and puppies (murderous flowers and snarling three-headed puppies, but flowers and puppies nonetheless). There was a hint of danger and that whole good versus evil thing, but nothing too scary and/or thought-provoking. By the time we got to the last few books, we were facing some seriously dark stuff, and beloved characters started dropping like bludgered Quidditch players (oops...spoiler alert?). Regardless of the content, the length of the books alone demanded much more from young Muggle readers: even the nerdiest of pre-teens are unlikely to tackle 900 page tomes. So, um, these ones must be awesome!

Anyway, the point of all this is that no matter what you think of the Harry Potter books, there is no denying the impact they had on our culture. Not only did they get kids to read again, they got kids to read hundreds of millions of copies in 67 different languages. And according to Wikipedia, the last four books have set consecutive records for fastest-selling books ever. Ever. Not to mention the movies, merchandise, websites, blogs, even podcasts that have resulted from the Harry Potter explosion. The word "muggle" is actually in the OED. Pretty soon, we'll be referring to him as Sir Harry Potter. That might sound ridiculous, but he's done a lot of Actual good for a fictional character by singlehandedly yanking the youth of the entire world out of an illiterate stupor. Seriously though, if you haven't read them....lame.

Well done, Harry, well done. Mischief Managed.

The Thin Yellow Line

2009-01-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

As the football season comes to a close (finally), it seems fitting to draw attention to something that most of us barely even notice anymore. I don't watch football that much, but it's even hard for me to imagine life before The Yellow Line. Granted, we are only talking about ten years ago, but it's easy to forget hard times.

For those of you who live in holes (or Detroit), The Yellow Line shows us how far the team has to go to get a first down. Sometimes, there will also be a blue line to show the line of scrimmage, or if it's a fourth down, The Yellow Line will turn red (Danger!). The kicker is that it only shows up on TV. Even though it looks like it's actually there! This is the real reason people use to justify spending hundreds of dollars on high definition televisions as opposed to spending sixty-two dollars (I'm told) on football tickets. It's all because of the yellow line.

The computer system that makes it happen is actually called "1st & Ten" (those graphics nerds are so clever), and was developed by a company called Sportvision. It requires seven computers, five cameras, four people, and a whole bunch of technology that I don't feel like explaining. These people do though, so ask them. Here's a picture just to take up some space. See how The Yellow Line disappears behind the dude with the ball? It's' magical.

The Yellow Line may not make football any more bearable for non-football fans, but that's okay. There's plenty of other stuff to watch on big flat screen tvs. Like Super Bowl commercials.

The Revolution!

2009-01-19T19:00:00.000-08:00

It's the biggest holiday since, well, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. January is already Black History Month, so why not make it official that January 20th is Barack Obama Day? It will just save us all time in the long run; this way, we won't have to remind all of the future presidents that they have a lot to live up to. Obama's transition to the White House has already been more favorably portrayed by the media than Bush's entire eight years in office. Not that that's really saying much. In an attempt to keep the past where it belongs, I will keep my mouth shut about the last eight years. Let's just say I no longer feel simultaneously embarrassed and compelled to leave the country.

There isn't really much that needs to be said here. Tomorrow, we will have a president who is not a crusty old white dude. Yay! This is clearly historical in and of itself. Our plantation-owning forefathers are probably turning in their crusty old white graves (dug tirelessly by slaves, most likely), but who cares. We are moving on and moving up.

Barack Obama has done what so many of us thought was impossible. He single-handedly (almost) dragged our country out of its cynical, unpatriotic stupor and got the young people to vote! And not only that; he got them to canvass, fundraise, organize, and most importantly, wear t-shirts with his face on them. Once you've got your own clothing line, that's at least a six month guarantee that your fans will stick by you. By then, all the crusty old white dudes will have realized that, indeed, the kids were all right.

So anyway - possible activities for future Barack Obama Days include: perusing the local humane society for hypo-allergenic orphaned puppies, riding in the front of a bus, visiting Hawaii, speaking in proper English, not throwing shoes, and attending a public reading of that superawesome victory speech that made us all cry somewhere around paragraph three.

We all have our own thoughts and feelings about our first African-American president, but we can all agree that January 20, 2009 is one of the most momentous days in American political history. I'm not much for patriotism, but tomorrow, I might just be proud to be an American (who knew?). Barack Obama doesn't have his own official holiday yet, but if he lives up to his promises, he'll deserve one. In the mean time, can we ride the Obama high all the way to 2013?

Yes we can!

Happy Barack Obama Day everyone!

Because we didn't have enough sheep already...

2009-01-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

On July 5, 1996, I was eating a flaming watermelon. Well...not really. It was my brother's eighth birthday, and since he "doesn't like cake" for unknown reasons, we settled on a treat that required minimal effort as far as preparations go (the wax from the candles comes right off). In the height of our sibling rivalry, I wish I had been culturally aware enough to tell him that I was not celebrating his birthday with my enthusiastic watermelon consumption. It was, in fact, a much more important day (and certainly deserving of a slightly richer dessert).

Halfway across the world, in Edinburgh, other people were celebrating a birthday (dancing around in kilts and playing bagpipes, surely). The first cloned mammal, Dolly, had been born! Dolly was a sheep, cloned from a somatic cell of another sheep (quite predictably, also Dolly). It was a cell from a mammary gland, actually, which is why the Scottish people named her Dolly (as in "Dolly Parton sure has giant mammary gland cells!"). Apparently Pamela Anderson hadn't made it into Scottish pop culture yet and they were still listening to music from the late 60s. But you sure can see the resemblance - check it out:

Just kidding. I think.

Anyway, they cloned Dolly by taking the nucleus from the donor cell and implanting it into an unfertilized egg cell (sans its original nucleus). Then they stimulated that cell to divide with an electric shock, and eventually implanted it into a surrogate sheep uterus. Apparently this is a tough process to get right: Dolly was the only survivor of 227 cloning attempts. Oops. The guy whose brainchild (brainlamb?) this was has said that the process will probably never be efficient enough for use in humans. So sad; I was desperately hoping this was an actual possibility.

Dolly lived for six fulfilling years, during which she made six more baby sheep. Her breed is supposed to live for 12 years, but since she was living an extra life, six years of deja vu was probably plenty for her.

After Dolly, a dog named Snuppy (really...?) was successfully cloned in Korea. If dogs and sheep ever become endangered, we'll be able to bring them back, no problem. It's too bad that no one decided to put any serious effort towards cloning a more exciting animal, like a spider monkey or a tasmanian devil. Taxpayers would probably be a little more into the whole cloning thing if we all got to keep genetically identical (and possibly buxom) baby monkeys named Lindsay Lohan or Tara Reid.

And in case you were wondering, that sheep picture is actually Dolly. Her remains are on display at the Roslin Institute in Edinburgh, where she spent her whole second life. At least that's where her exterior remains are. Her insides? Probably haggis.

Pluto gets plutoed

2008-12-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

All that time we spent memorizing the planets for the all-important science class jeopardy game in elementary school...worthless. Turns out, it's even harder to forget random pieces of information once you don't need to know them anymore. Regardless, in 2006, poor Pluto (see above likeness) was downgraded from planet to dwarf planet - more specifically, the largest member of the Kuiper belt. Actually, no one really learned anything new about Pluto. They just sat down and defined the word "planet" for the first time, and it happened to exclude Pluto. Oops.

So a quick science rundown: Pluto was first discovered in 1930 and enjoyed a happy life as the ninth planet in the solar system for 76 years. On August 24, 2006, the International Astronomical Union defined a planet according to the following guidelines: 1) an object that is in orbit around the sun, 2) has enough mass to maintain a round-ish shape (good one rocket scientists), and 3) has a strong enough gravitational force to be the dominant object in its orbit, ie satellites are okay. Since Pluto only meets the first two of these criteria, it is confined to a sad, lonely life as a dwarf planet.

While nothing has actually changed astronomically, people seemed to take offense to Pluto's supposed mistreatment. Immediately following the reclassification, there was an outpouring of support for Pluto. Petitions, Facebook groups, websites, etc. cropped up to defend Pluto's rights as a planet, and to express appreciation for a chunk of rock and ice that had been there all along. Perhaps the best thing to come out of the Pluto scandal was the 2006 word of the year. "To pluto" was defined by the American Dialect Society as "to demote or devalue something." For example: Hey, what happened to Sarah Palin? Oh, she totally got plutoed.

Pluto is too dwarfy to see from Alaska anyway.

Reality TV

2008-11-18T16:58:00.000-08:00

OK, so I realize that choosing reality TV as my inaugural "historical" breakthrough is slightly less than auspicious. The only reason is that I need to get this one out of the way so I can move on with my life. I am not one of the reality TV people (weirdos), yet somehow, I have been unable to escape it recently. The fact that it has completely infiltrated my brain means that I need to a) stop allowing other people to drive the television, and b) inform others of my thoughts on the pervasive culture of reality TV.

Once upon a time, the only "reality" television was game shows. Besides those, all small screen entertainment was relegated to people who had been deemed sufficiently attractive by the general public. Normal people do not belong in any sort of publicly televised situation without extensive coaching (and makeup). Along came MTV and The Real World, which apparently people still watch fifteen or something years later. Clearly, putting a bunch of annoying strangers in a giant house full of alcohol sounds like a brilliant idea. A little while later, Survivor happened. Having only seen tidbits of the very first season, I wonder what could possibly be holding people's attention after 17 seasons (seriously...17).

In the early days of reality TV, the shows were timid, and aware of the fact that they were putting regular (ugly) people on television, hoping that the results of their social experiments were entertaining enough for people to watch anyway. Now, it's hard to find TV that is just plain old non-reality TV. Apparently viewership has actually changed so much that every network ever created benefits from showing reality TV. So much so that it appears that reality TV is here to stay. Who knew.

A few gems you may have been lucky enough to miss:

Whale Wars: A Greenpeace expat recruits clueless dreadheaded volunteers (note the guy on the far left in the photo) on a mission to stop a Japanese whaling ship. This show oozes ineptitude in volumes you probably couldn't find anywhere else if you tried: they flip their Zodiac (in Antarctic waters), they fail repeatedly at disabling the Japanese vessel's propeller as the giant ship bears down on them, and best of all, when they are low on fuel and unable to find said Giant Japanese Ship of Death, the Actual Conservationists hang up on them when they ask for directions. Classic.

Half Ton Mom: This one chronicles the gastric bypass surgery of a 900 pound woman. She lost 60 pounds right off the bat, but then she up and died. Just like that. Since the whole point of the show was to encourage others in this situation to lose weight, they kept filming the show, inserting still photographs of the woman every time they didn't know what else to do. On the plus side (size?), you could make a drinking game out of the lingo: apparently the scientific name for people weighing over 550 pounds is "super morbidly obese." Awesome. Drink two.

Rock of Love Charm School: A classy-by-comparison Sharon Osbourne sics pieces of peroxide-blonde trailer trash on each other under the guise of training them in the art of marrying rock stars. Supposedly, bagging Ozzy Osbourne makes her an expert on the subject. The show might as well be one long blurred-out wardrobe mishap interspersed with the bleeped-out profanity that happens during an hour long cat fight. Oh VH1, how we miss the good old days of Pop Up Video.

Here's how this is gonna work

2008-11-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

Recently, it has occurred to me just how awesome (in the most literal sense of this word) it is to be alive right now. When I say right now, I mean our general era - the millennium plus or minus ten years. No matter how frustrated,or disillusioned, or dare I say hopeful (that's a new one) we become with the state of things, there is no denying that our shenanigans are making for a pretty interesting history class sometime in the not-too-distant future (assuming the large hadron collider doesn't implode the universe first. If you are unsure of the status on this, check here). The past twenty years or so have borne witness to a lot of events that were immediately ingrained in our collective memory - whether we are okay with that or not. Since these little morsels of ready-made history are much more fascinating than anything I might manage to accomplish, they will be the primary focus of my adventures in interwebbing. I'll choose appropriate (or not) exploits from a variety of spheres - social, political, scientific, technological, etc. - to feature and banter about. All you have to do is read. It will be fun! The world will become measurably more interesting as a direct result of my delightfully refined repartee. I'd try to keep my snarky comments to myself, but it's just less fun for everyone that way. Also this way I get to make more snarky comments than I would otherwise. I'm pretty sure that's why people have blogs.